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a kiss? [24 Feb 2008|10:39pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

So I never write in here and very few people read this but I am quite amused by a conversation I had recently with a former male acquaintance. About a year ago I was alone with this "guy" and he invited me over to his place to watch a movie or some random tv show. I don't why he called me but he did seeing as we never really hung out unless it was with a "group of mutual friends" or church related stuff. I agreed thinking "okay cool one of my friends will be there!" I get over there and I ask where my other friend is and he says "Oh he's at work". I feel awkward cause its just us and what not but I don't want to be rude so I stay and watch the movie. Well apparently he tried to kiss me and I moved away or something. However I do not remember any of this. I just remember feeling weird and leaving after the movie was over. Seems like I'd have some recollection of what happened. Its rare I actually find someone who likes me who isn't creepy or old or isn't a jerk so I actually find this shocking but he was serious. At the time I wouldn't have kissed him back anyways since I still had feelings for you know who. But yeah. It was weird hearing that. I never had a clue. That seriously blew my mind.

Oh and I have a new job. Its at Linens n Things. Yay for me. I will miss all the residents but not cleaning up after them and all their dirty dishes.

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[20 Nov 2007|10:46pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

I swear to God I am about to go off on somebody at work! No joke I have never been this mad in a long time. I had to go off to my car and pray because I swear I was about to cuss someone out. And for those who know me I rarely use profanity. I am fed up. I am tired of cleaning up after other people, working my ass off, and then getting blamed for petty crap. I'm filling out applications online as we speak.

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[27 Aug 2007|08:06am]
I am 21! Happy Birthday to me! ;)
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[20 May 2007|06:11pm]
I wish I had some guts to do and say whatever I want sometimes. I wish I wasn't constantly worried if things were going to work out or not. They will. They always do but I still worry.

Sorry for no real update. Want to know something really random? I have to eat my Dove Chcocolate Brownie Affair Ice Cream with the chocolate ganache on top! Its heaven.
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car problems [08 May 2007|02:27pm]
I'm a little aggitated with my car. This afternoon I went out to go look for a job and the car wouldn't start. Jacqueline, Daniel, and Charlie didn't have jumper cables so I had to wait until Katy's grandma brought her home to try and jump start it. We didn't think it was the battery cause everything else in the car worked. Daniel got it jump started and I drove it around for like 20 minutes. I went back to the apartment and when I tried to start it up later it did nothing. Jacqueline said its probally the starter switch and if it is that'll be like $120 dollars. I'm not really working since the office closed down and I don't get paid until the first so this sucks. :(
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my rant for the day [22 Apr 2007|07:30pm]
So I swear I'm not jealous but I really hate annoying little flirty girls around my guy friends. No not just my guy friends just guys in general. You know the girls who are not even interested in a guy but just to prove the opposite sex will notice them, they do whatever it takes to get their attention? I was actually talking to a group of guys and girls before church and this one girl literally pushed me out of the way to go and say hi to a guy I was talking to. She kept flipping her hair and almost hit another girl beside her. I was thinking, "Seriously. Are you still in middle school?" I don't know. It just seems like they were everywhere today and it just annoyed me to no end.
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packing up for the break [02 Mar 2007|08:56am]
I'm not really excited about Spring Break. I love having time off from school and work but for some reason I'm just kind of blah about it.

Maybe its because I'm gonna be packing up a lot of my stuff at home and getting rid of some things so we can start preparing to move. I've been thinking about it a lot and I guess I'm avoiding the fact that I won't live in Memphis anymore. When I was a kid we always moved around a lot. Even when we'd settle down for a few years we'd move into a lot of different houses. Granted its the not the best house we've ever lived in but its sad to leave somewhere you've gotten attached to. Where else I am gonna climb my special magnolia tree? Or have like 10 billion of my cousins jump off of our old porch swing? What other house is gonna have a special hideout spot behind the fence? And who wants to drive inside of walking to Popeye's Fried Chicken and the mall (though it is pretty crappy now. lol.)?

Moving is making me think of school almost being over too. I was at McCallie's with Hannah this morning talking about summer classes we might take and I felt all sad. We didn't recognize anyone. No more crappy dinners with like 50 people at the table. Ryan won't be here anymore in the fall and Jimmy will still be gone.

But in a way I'm a little glad to be moving somewhere new. I think it'll help mom. She's not really a social person and at least she can get out of the house being around my aunts and uncles. Maybe I'll make some new friends. We'll see...
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[01 Feb 2007|09:31am]
Too bad the snow melted. We could have killed each other in a snow fight.
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[14 Jan 2007|10:19pm]
Someone died in a shooting in our apartment complex (or at the other location. We're not sure right now). Three other people were wounded as well. Its weird. For some reason I'm really shocked. I've always felt pretty safe here.
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getting older scares me [09 Jan 2007|11:11am]
Not much has been going on with me lately. I've been working at Womack Lane on campus as a desk assistant so yay for me because that's mean I will some money soon. It also means I can pick up doing the zine again. The theme is going to be "life". You know kinda like putting it into perspective for people my age. The beauty of love, loss, addictions, vices, redemption, religion, relationships, etc. I'm not going to elaborate until I start taking submissions because I'm just going to do it. I always have great ideas but I never follow through so this is something I'm just gonna do. Plain and simple.

In other news I've been thinking a lot about becoming 21. Recently its hit me. I'm in my 20s but you would never know it. When I talk to friends and family my age I look at myself compared to them and think I've never really made that transition from teenage girl to a young woman. So many people I know are getting married, having babies, and about to start their careers and its seriously freaking me out. I am afraid to grow up. Sure I want all those things too eventually but I honestly have a fear of growing up. Taking care of all my own bills, finding a place to live, working a 9-5 job, is a very serious reality I'll face when I graduate and I'm not looking forward to it. How will I make new friends outside a scholastic setting? How will I do socially? How will I become professional and network in my profession? How do you go about not being afraid of these things? I thought about it for a while and decided I need to get out more, alone. I am too clingy sometimes and I have a constant need to be around people. In the past couple of years I've have always latched onto my mother or friends to make me happy in a social kind of way or to satisfy my constant need not to be bored. Don't get me wrong I love all my friends in the Boro. They are great people who make me laugh and I like them all, but I really don't have anything in common with most of them. In the past year, a lot of times I'd hang out with them just because I really hate being alone or lonely by myself. There is something quite wrong with an individual who hates to spend time alone with themselves.

I need to try new things and get back into the things I once loved. I think taking some art classes in the Spring or in the summer up in Nashville at Vanderbilt or Watkins would be nice. They have classes teaching you how to make various kinds of art like sculptures, ceramics, jewelry, drawing and painting. Those are all things I've been wanting to to try for the longest time but just never did because I didn't have anyone to go with (and was too shy). I also would like to explore the city more. Nashville has some great art exhibits, concerts, shows, restaurants, and churches I'd like to go to. Spending a little time up in Nashville every week will give me an opportunity to hopefully broaden my social circle, enjoy the sights, and gain a little maturity by learning how to navigate around the city (cause trust me Nashville construction can be a handful.)

But yeah I've said enough for the day.
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[28 Dec 2006|11:45am]
At times I wish I could just get in my car and drive and experience life. I want to travel and see what its like across the country. Meet someone new and just do nothing.
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No resolutions [26 Dec 2006|01:29pm]
So I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. Mine was nice. Its good to be home and be around family and stuff. (I got some money but of course I had to use that for my cell phone bill which was $100 so yeah that sucked.) Don't know what I'm doing for New Years though. I really had to miss Jonathan's party but I've got to go to work on the 2nd so its back to Murfreesboro for me.

Over the break I've been thinking a lot about New Years Resoultions. I guess they're good for some people. I suppose it gives them a chance to reflect on the past year and what they did wrong or what they would like to change about themselves but after the novelty and excitement of the new year fade away you lose ambition for those goals. I've only kept a few myself but I've decided not to have any this year for 2007. Sure I have goals, many passions or things I want to pursue but in the past I've told myself I wouldn't be successful at them so I quit before I can even get started. So for me, I've just decided to devolp the motto of just do it. Even if I fail or I'm not good at it at least I can say I tried. And also I wish to have no regrets for 2007. I've been maintaining that pretty well for a couple of months now.

Anywho I'm going to the World Market to expensive chocolates and other things I don't need.

Happy New Years everybody!
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money! [18 Dec 2006|07:02pm]
So me and Katy discovered something wonderful today, lottery tickets. *lol*

We were watching some special on lottery ticket winners and after hearing about some lady who won $1 million dollars twice (a month apart), we decided to walk to the gas station next to the apartment complex and by some. I didn't have any money so Katy gave me a dollar and I bought a Lucky 7 and I won $14 dollars! She got two $2 tickets but didn't win anything. Yeah gambling is wrong but hey at least I got $14 and could buy my antifreeze I needed before I go home tomorrow.

And usually I would be excited to be going home to see my mom and all but I'm not. I waited the last day to pay my tuition and I guess the school assumed I wasn't going to pay and sent a letter to my house saying I had disenrolled. My mom calls me tonight freaking saying "Well I guess you're coming home for good now." When I figured out what she meant I explained what happened and she was still freaking out telling me i need to pay my bills on time. So yeah I waited to last minute and I shouldn't have done that but I paid it on time and that's what counts. I swear she freaks out about everything and its so annoying sometimes. It doesn't help me either when I am trying to change and deal with stuff without getting all emotional or stressed. I love her but sometimes I wish she would just mellow out.

Nothing else going on with me. Same old same old. It'll be nice to relax and sleep in at home, get some really good home cooked food too.

Just pray that I will make it home safe. I hate the drive from Nashville to Memphis.
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long update [03 Dec 2006|08:32pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

This week has been stressful. I don't think I've ever had as many tests and tons of homework in my life and I'm about to do it all again starting tomorrow. *sigh*

This weekend was nice though. We got to go see Hannah's dance recital yesterday night. I'm not big into modern dance but her piece was nice.

Afterwards we went to Logan's Steakhouse. The waitress kinda annoyed me though. She kept giving everyone at our table (Jacqueline, Daniel, and Ryan) refills but not me. After about the third time they got refills I asked her could I get another Coke and then she finally brought it out to me. When it came time for our food to be served another waiter who was helping her serve dropped one of my chicken tenders on the floor and then said "Sorry I'll go get you another one." But he never did. Daniel was also supposed to get fried onions on his steak and some kind of mushroom side dish but they never brought that either. So I ended up not tipping. I don't know for some odd reason that really bothered me. I mean if me and my friends are going to pay $10+ for a meal I expect to get everything that goes with it and if you can't get it or ran out of it tell me that before I order. I was going to say something but then I chickened out. Besides we had a large party at 3 different tables she didn't need or deserve my tip.

Jacqueline, Katy, and me also went to the mall and Target today. I've been eating too much chocolate. Katy got these Bailey's Irish Cream Filled Chocolates (non-alcoholic but they really do taste like it). Not my favorite but interesting.

Church has been nice too lately. I've been meeting tons of new people so that's cool and I got invited to a Christmas party Friday so I'm stoked about that. Usually its like "Hey you're Ryan and Hannah's friend you can come too!" I think I'm becoming more outgoing which is nice.

I'm also thinking about doing this mission trip in Manhattan as well. Our college ministry is helping some other churches who can't afford renovating or starting new sister churches Spring Break. It'll cost $125 for the plane ticket to and from NYC, meals, and hotel included. We'll work for 4 days I think and then we'll get two free days in the city (obviously you have to pay for that yourself). I really want to go cause when else could you afford NYC at that price? But at the time I feel guilty because my first reaction is like "Wahoo! I could go to New York!" not "Wahoo I get to help people!". I mean I've always wanted to do a mission trip. I'm not a preacher and I'm not good with words so I always knew if I went I'd be going to help someone instead. I just want my heart to be in the right place if I go.

Anyways in another secretive way that I can't say, its also cool that things are getting back to normal here. I've missed some of my friends and I'm glad they're comfortable to come and talk to me again like they used to. I've had dreams about the situation. Don't know how I feel about it. Its weird.

Another thing, I know in a few days I'll be getting one of the hardest phone calls I will ever have to answer. I wrote my mom a letter. Its everything I've been wanting to say for the past 8 years of my life. I keep hiding that stuff somewhere deep and dark in my soul and my mind but I'm tired of keeping it quiet. I have emotional issues and I don't want to feel that way forever. I have to be me. I want her to be proud of me but I have to do what's right for myself as well. I am slowly becoming a new person. I want more from life than just forced religion. I want good friendships and relationships with the opposite sex that don't involve me being one of these extremes: neediness or very distant and cold. I can't believe I mailed that off. I wish I could take it back but then again I don't.

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[06 Nov 2006|11:15am]
I can't believe I actually had a fun weekend for once! Katy and I had planned to go see Marie Antionette in Nashville but then Brandon and Ryan decided to go to that Hotel Cafe concert so we met them Downtown. I really like the Downtown Nashville. Besides it being a bit confusing getting around and tons of homeless people getting into fights its a pretty cool place. We looked at a couple art exhibits some of which had a few good pieces. Most of them in my opinion were completely crappy. I'm not an art expert or anything but I think most of the people I know who are art majors have done way better paintings and sculptures than what I saw. Its freaks me out that people want $300+ for artwork that looks like 3 year old did. Oh well... Oh and I just loved how Katy and Brandon took advantage of the free wine. I promise I freaked out when the lady hosting one of the galleries said "Here have some wine!" and Brandon took it. I was like holy crap what if they find out you're underage man! Maybe that's just the mom in me. I think him and Katy drank at every gallery we went to. lol. I just thought it was amusing that one artist had a beer keg ("I don't do wine. I like beer!") instead of being "sophisicated" like everyone else. It was classic! And I don't know why I was so jittery afterwards. Driving on the interstate at night was freaking me out. Its weird. The whole driving experience that night be me a little uneasy. I hate Nashville construction too. But Ii was worth it though cause I had fun!

And guess what? Apparently I now have high blood pressure. I was doing great before but I've been slacking off. I've gained 3 pounds back. I talked to my doctor and I think I'm gonna try this DASH diet thing. Its the most normal diet out of the ones she explained. Its basically less salt, more fruits and veggies and lots of grains. I have to eat 7-8 servings of grain which is insane to me! 4-5 servings of veggies. 4-5 servings of friut. 2-3 dairy products. 2 or less servings of meat and 4-5 servings of nuts, seeds and dry beans. I can have 5 small servings of sweets a week. 2-3 fat (tablespoons) servings a day. That's not too bad I'm just worried about the grains. And I will have to excerise (which isn't too bad I'm just lazy of waking up early to work out.) I've wanted to take my health more seriously for a while I just have to be more committed that's all.

But anyways that's it for now. Must go to class!
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Just Like Heaven [29 Oct 2006|04:00pm]
For some odd reason I'm in love with Katie Melua's version of The Cure's "Just Like Heaven".
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[28 Oct 2006|03:12pm]
The past couple of weeks I've been thinking my life is really boring. It freaks me out how boring I am! Seriously. I made a promise to myself when my dad died to do everything I always wanted to do as soon as I could and as much as I could (it doesn't help that I'm poor as dirt right now either). Everyday is the same here. I go to class and do homework on the weekdays, watch movies every single time I hang out with my friends, and then do church on Wednesdays and Sunday. There's something itching at me. People like Jacqueline used to say I was complaining but the thing is its true. Like I need to do something and get out more. Even Hannah mentioned the same thing about never doing anything or having fun like we used to. I wish I had money. Lots of money so I could get away and travel. Hang out in Nashville and go to shows like we used to. I miss the old days.

And you know what? Murfreesboro is the worst place to try and find a job. I was hoping Donut Country would call me back since they pay $7.25/hr but me and donuts doing don't well together. I would gain back all the weight I lost and that would suck.
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Life. Love. Etc. [05 Oct 2006|11:53pm]
There hasn't been any end to a lot of things I'm going through. So why are things coming full circle? I'm okay and that's really all I can say about it. Not happy. Nor sad. I'm just okay.

And i kind of miss Memphis. I miss the Memphis humor. People here are a little too serious and routine here.
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missing something [11 Sep 2006|08:31pm]
I'm planning a camping trip or cabin type retreat thing sometime soon. I need to get away from here. I'm too bored all the time. And I miss having good conversations with people. People don't do that enough anymore.
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random rambling [05 Sep 2006|04:54pm]
I wish my life was not boring. I wish I could go on a road trip cross country with my friends and tell awesome stories to my kids cause I don't have any kinds of those stories (or at least I don't think I do). I wish I could meet a nice boy who liked cheesy music as much as I do and made me laugh and was intriguing and wonderfully sweet but not too "needy" or "have issues". I wish I could meet a boy who liked to hold hands while we layed in the grass looking at the stars at night. I wish I could write poetry like I used to. Honest and real sometimes a little angry but good cause it was real. I wish it was winter because it feels like I'm having hot flashes but I think its because I'm a little sick. Besides winter is prettier than late summer anyhow. I wish my mom would be a mom and not a financial advisor because dad was always better at those things and he didn't get frustrated or try to pull apart at every little detail of every single little thing that happens. I wish I could climb my magnolia tree in the front yard and be afraid to climb down. I wish I didn't have to leave that tree for South Carolina. I wish I could I wish I didn't want all of these things so badly.
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